Saturday, October 20, 2007

Movie Review: Transformers

Looks like our Government has decided that the best way to get its recruiting numbers back up is to load movies up with American propaganda. This movie is a prime example of our Governments best attempt at it this year.

We have a nerd with a sex drive that just won't stop. We have the wholesome girl next door who has blossomed at an early age and will look like your ugly grandmother by 30 as lust material. We have the cool Latin marine who has ESP and can't stop talking mexican. He's there for a role model for the Latin faction of our military. We have the white marine as a role model for sex starved nerd kids. They too can mate with beautiful women and have beautiful children and he's proof. And we have the aliens.

Now the aliens are much more advanced technologically advanced than us. And the movie starts off by 10 minutes of demonstrating how just one could probably wipe out our entire planet. Once this has been demonstrated the rest of the movie goes down hard and leaves a crater so deep you wish you could have said you died while watching it.

Somehow it turns out that the aliens must hack into the the most sensitive databases our nation has in order to complete their mission. (Though a simple 10 second ebay search would have given them all the info they needed.) This however gives them a chance to introduce a blond HS bimbo with glasses who can hack into anything. And a fat black who pretends to be addicted to dance dance revolution but obviously isn't or else he wouldn't be the tubby he is. Somehow he's the world best hacker. He must be the role model for Blacks. I think she's just more bimbo material to attract nerds.

So for some reason one of the good robots decides to be his personal car. Why the hell doesn't the robot just say I need the map on your grandfathers glasses and I'll pay your asking price. The robot doesn't. Instead it makes situation comedy. Turns out that all the robots have to show up. Then they have to explain in long dialoges why courage is so important. Why the human race is so important. Blah blah blah. The parents demonstrate why the kid would want to join the military. The mom talks about why he shouldn't be ashamed of masturbating. (Apparently that's what most of the kids in Iraq do with their spare time right there in the bunks with their buddies.) They are elated to find a girl in the room with him. This is probably a good thing because otherwise he'd probably turn out to be a druggy. This way there's a chance he'll be an easily controlled piece of white trash with a trailor full of kids he has to support by the time he's 25. Prime military material. Whoa be it to any film to introduce the wild idea that the kids go to college, start a business, become an asset to society and the world, and all the while have fun before getting a bimbo and rug rats.

As the movie goes along the robots become less and less a threat. The one protecting him can actually be tied up and hauled away with no problem. And the ones after him no longer are much of a threat either. The military becomes the good guys. And the robots give him stupid military tasks that he might get if he were in the military. Never mind they could easily accomplish any of the tasks given to him much faster. Not that any of the tasks were needed in the first place. Why for instance would he need to take the cube to the top of a building to hand it off to a chopper? These mindless tasks that don't get accomplished and have no purpose are so mind numbingly stupid.

However the movie may get some new military recruits. And that, unfortunately, is what this movie is all about.Actually that may not be a bad thing. We don't need idiots in America. Though I do think there must be better things for them to do than join the military...

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